happy

i will never forget our sitting at the bus-stop together, just elijah and me, waiting for the bus.

we started taking two buses to mom's every weekday morning since late last year, 'cos elijah doesn't like the cab. he loves taking buses-he names them all-old bus, new bus, bendy bus, double-decker bus. he's just recently turned 2 and a half years old and though it's quite tough physcially carrying him around, changing buses and crossing roads, it's really our bonding time.

i still remember that particular thursday morning... there was a light breeze at the bus stop and the sun was really gentle. elijah was sitting next to me, looking out for the bus. nothing extraordinary happened. but the moment was just tender and special. i was at peace... just perfectly happy sitting there at the bus stop with him, wishing every day could be like this. ordinary, but happy.

on some days, before his bus ride, elijah would want to stop to look at plants, some 'worm', or the water that gushed out of our condo's fountain. but i would tell him 'hurry, we're late. we'll miss the bus'... or 'quick.. mummy's going. bye...' just to hurry him along.

but why? why am i killing the child in him so soon? i found myself feeling really sad when elijah stopped looking at the plants and the water fountain along the way to the bus stop last friday. he just ran straight to the gate. no more 'mummy look! beautiful clouds.' or 'wow! look! line in the sky'.

i grief. i am sad... not only have the child in me died, i have possibly begun murdering the innocence and natural sense of wonder in him. didn't i used to look at the clouds when i was a child? didn't i gush in awe whenever i saw a rainbow in the sky not too long ago? wasn't it great for elijah to be able to spend half an hour at the water fountain just to see the water bubbling, splashing and dancing in the light? my life is in a rush, but why should his? why should mine?

i believe God sent elijah to me to remind me to slow down and rekindle the child-like sense of wonder that i have possibly buried. i may be a teacher by profession, by elijah has taught me more than i have taught him. on days when he sees that i am upset with him, he only needs to look sadly at me and say 'mummy' and i will remember what i am here in this world for. to love and to live. for him and for others around me.

life is really not about personal achievements at work, or a battle for human recognition and appreciation. so elijah, the next time you want to look at the snail, ant, or anything that amazes you, mummy is not going to stop you no matter how late i am. i would rather be late in physical time than be sorry for wasting your childhood.