God's will

I really am a firm believer of God's will. I believe that if you didn't cause something to happen, things happen for a good reason. Cliche, I know. Sometimes, ofcourse, things happen the way you don't want it to happen even when hints have been dropped because you have been consciously or subconsciously trying to will it away (ie. ignore it and hope it won't happen). It makes little difference if you may 'indirectly' be the cause but are unaware. Anyway, back to God's will...



Today both Fi and I dropped by at Jen's place for Alycia's 3rd birthday. It was only then that we found out that her 'new' baby boy had a brain surgery when he was just about a month old cos he had fluid retention in his brain. I empathised that she must have been traumatised and she admitted that she cried for a whole month. She hadn't expected it as it had been a smooth pregnancy. Looking at Josh, now 5 months, I wouldn't have guessed. He looked so cute and shy, just like any other ordinary baby.

Every now and then, I've always been envious of women who get pregnant 'so easily and so quickly'. I had always assumed that these women conceived easily and gave birth naturally to healthy, normal babies. I personally had to undergo an appendicitis op, an endometriosis op and artificial menopause, before I conceived and went through yet another op (after being induced) to get Elijah out, almost 24 hours after I was admitted into the hospital. I also suffered from post-natal depression, partly because I practically spent my confinement month at home alone-no maid, nanny or mother- (fumbling with a fussy, crying newborn) and partly because Elijah had to be hospitalised a month after his birth for UTI. I was also feeling anxious, terrible and guilty for not being able to breast-feed Elijah after a week or 2, due to lack of knowledge that milk supply doesn't come so soon. It didn't help to listen to supposedly experienced mothers (aka mom and mom-in-law). One said it was okay not to breastfeed as it was better that the baby be bottle-fed than go hungry. Another 'blamed' me for not producing enough milk for the baby because I didn't take enough fish! Unlike most new mothers who had either confinement nannies or own family fussing around, I spent most of my days alone (hubby was out from 7am to 6pm most of the time) during that confinement month. I was worried about everything and cried over almost everything. It was a nightmare. I didn't feel the joy of being a mother at all.



But I am grateful that all these things happened to me and I don't assume things anymore. Upon reflection, I believe things happen for a reason:
1) thru the appendicitis op, my surgeon suspected I had endometriosis, which causes infertility
2) after the endometriosis op, I was able to share my experience with other women who were not aware that such a condition exists, despite having similar symptoms...I was also able to have Elijah after the op
3) I was 'fortunately' not granted a natural birth but had to undergo a caesarean op cos it was then that my surgeon discovered that my intestines were somehow 'stuck' to my stomach (I can still remember one of the nurses' shock 'Oh dear! then how?') and he had to deftly 'separate' them. If I had given birth naturally, this would never have been discovered.


I have met mothers and fathers who told me how they and their babies went through worse things. One mother had both her babies born premature, with her in and out of hospital throughout her pregnancy term. Another father told me how his eldest son suffered due to kidney failure when he was barely a year old. His second one was not spared either, having to suffer from some form of unique skin problem. Not once did these parents ask 'Why me?', unlike me. I used to ask 'Why me?'. Why can't I have a natural delivery? Why can't I breastfeed? Why does my baby have to suffer from UTI? I even ask Why my baby can't sleep through the night unlike most other babies till today? On hindsight, why not me? As I am typing this, Elijah came to interrupt. I asked for a kiss and he obliged. I thank God for blessing me with Elijah. I love him. Why me? Why not me?There are no coincidences, everything happens for a reason. God knows best. I should not doubt. The answers will come.

happy

i will never forget our sitting at the bus-stop together, just elijah and me, waiting for the bus.

we started taking two buses to mom's every weekday morning since late last year, 'cos elijah doesn't like the cab. he loves taking buses-he names them all-old bus, new bus, bendy bus, double-decker bus. he's just recently turned 2 and a half years old and though it's quite tough physcially carrying him around, changing buses and crossing roads, it's really our bonding time.

i still remember that particular thursday morning... there was a light breeze at the bus stop and the sun was really gentle. elijah was sitting next to me, looking out for the bus. nothing extraordinary happened. but the moment was just tender and special. i was at peace... just perfectly happy sitting there at the bus stop with him, wishing every day could be like this. ordinary, but happy.

on some days, before his bus ride, elijah would want to stop to look at plants, some 'worm', or the water that gushed out of our condo's fountain. but i would tell him 'hurry, we're late. we'll miss the bus'... or 'quick.. mummy's going. bye...' just to hurry him along.

but why? why am i killing the child in him so soon? i found myself feeling really sad when elijah stopped looking at the plants and the water fountain along the way to the bus stop last friday. he just ran straight to the gate. no more 'mummy look! beautiful clouds.' or 'wow! look! line in the sky'.

i grief. i am sad... not only have the child in me died, i have possibly begun murdering the innocence and natural sense of wonder in him. didn't i used to look at the clouds when i was a child? didn't i gush in awe whenever i saw a rainbow in the sky not too long ago? wasn't it great for elijah to be able to spend half an hour at the water fountain just to see the water bubbling, splashing and dancing in the light? my life is in a rush, but why should his? why should mine?

i believe God sent elijah to me to remind me to slow down and rekindle the child-like sense of wonder that i have possibly buried. i may be a teacher by profession, by elijah has taught me more than i have taught him. on days when he sees that i am upset with him, he only needs to look sadly at me and say 'mummy' and i will remember what i am here in this world for. to love and to live. for him and for others around me.

life is really not about personal achievements at work, or a battle for human recognition and appreciation. so elijah, the next time you want to look at the snail, ant, or anything that amazes you, mummy is not going to stop you no matter how late i am. i would rather be late in physical time than be sorry for wasting your childhood.